The Reaper and the Flowers.

There is a Reaper whose name is Death,
And, with his sickle keen,
He reaps the bearded grain at a breath,
And the flowers that grow between.

He gazed at the flowers with tearful eyes,
He kissed their drooping leaves;
It was for the Lord of Paradise
He bound them in his sheaves.

``My Lord has need of these flowerets gay,''
The Reaper said, and smiled;
``Dear tokens of the earth are they,
Where he was once a child.

``They shall all bloom in fields of light,
Transplanted by my care,
And saints, upon their garments white,
These sacred blossoms wear.'' 

And the mother gave, in tears and pain,
The flower she most did love;
She knew she should find him safe again

In the fields of light above. 

O, not in cruelty, not in wrath,
The Reaper came that day;
'Twas an angel visited the green earth,
And took the flowers away.

-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow 

I've been away awhile - physically, mentally, emotionally.  I continue my search for answers, only to find a thousand more possibilities lying behind each corner.  I've found out some other medical issues that may or may not have contributed to Nicolai's death - none of the doctors will say for sure.  My husband and I are both carriers for the gene mutation MTHFR (or as I loving call it, the motherfucker gene).  I have one copy of the mutation (heterozygous) and he has 2 copies (homozygous).  MTHFR mostly interferes with your body's ability to process folic acid and other essential B vitamins, increasing the likelihood of open neural tube defects.  One copy of the gene mutation limits your ability to metabolize about 50% of your folate intake, having 2 copies reduces your metabolization to a mere 25%.  Additionally, those with 2 copies of the gene mutation can experience blood clotting problems and a host of other health issues.  My MFM would not test me for these mutations, as she says the evidence is not conclusive that they end in poor pregnancy outcomes, however it only takes a Google Search to see the thousands of associations between pregancy loss and MTHFR.  There were not any blood clots found in Nicolai's autopsy, or in the placenta or cord, but it makes me wonder if possibly he had the homozygous mutation like my husband and therefore his blood did not clot properly and that was what happened.  I do not think that they looked for blood clots in his body, as they would have been so tiny.  I found out about this gene mutation through an invaluable service that I recommend to anyone who has lost a child (or even people that haven't) that cannot afford the thousands in genetic testing of themselves or their spouses.  It is called 23andme, and for $99 and a test tube of saliva, it gives you invaluable information about your carrier status for over 50 genetic disorders, your percieved health status and outcomes for a plethora of medical issues, and so much more.   

I've also tested positive for autoimmune antibodies that make me sensitive to gluten.  For some reason, as with the antibodies I also have for my thyroid, these antibodies can increase the probability of pregnancy loss and miscarriage.  So I'm trying to go gluten free, and it is wrecking havoc on my blood sugars.  I have never had the nighttime lows that I have had the last few days.  Removing gluten from my diet has halved the amount of insulin I take.  My last A1c was somewhere between 4.8 and 5.1 (two different labs, 2 weeks apart), which is a little low for my endo's liking.  Hopefully it will stabilize soon so that I am not so physically exhausted from going hypoglycemic a few times a day.

I still have no luck being around babies.  The sound of their cries or whimpers sends me into a panic, like someone literally has their freezing fingers squeezing tightly around the chambers of my heart.  There are times I forget that I am holding my breath, and it is a wonder I don't hit the floor when I stand up.  I simply cannot be around them and to take care of myself, I avoid every forseeable situation that I can where any child under the age of two will be present.  My visible Facebook newsfeed consists only of babyloss parents, people with older children, people that don't have children, and people who do not post pictures of their or anyone else's babies.  Needless to say, there isn't much going on there, but at least I can feel safe knowing that I will not be logging on to see belly or newborn pictures.  This is is another thing my husband does not understand about me.  It doesn't bother him at all to be around babies; he says that he does not associate them with Nicolai.  Out grief, although equal in magnitude and depth, is so different.







      "They say that time in heaven is compared to 'the blink of an eye'
for us on this earth. Sometimes it helps me to think of my child
running ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and
butterflies; so happy and completely caught up in what he is
doing that when he looks behind him, I'll already be there."