Praying for Rainbows.

There are no words to describe the fears that accompany pregnancy after loss. For 23 weeks, I have hesitated to write about it, fearing that the minute I mentioned it would be the minute it was taken from me (again). As I sit here bleak and bleary eyed, my fears all consuming, I don't know where to turn.

 The six months that we waited after the loss of our precious son were excruciating. My arms ached to hold the baby that was no longer with me. My heart tore at the sight of pregnancy and newborns. My brain systematically shut down at the sound of a baby crying in a store. I say these things as if they are in the past tense, but they are not. The truth is, over 10 months later and I still cannot process these things. I avoid mirrors and cameras as much as possible, I am filled with fear and dread when I catch a glimpse of my stomach in the mirror. I know the tragedy that I could be facing yet again.

 Almost six months to the day after the loss of our Nicolai, after Clomid and trigger shots and ovarian ultrasounds and blood work, we were blessed with a positive pregnancy test - this time with fraternal twin boys. The first 13 weeks were beyond rough, starting with an emergency room visit at 6 weeks, a diagnosis of Hashimoto's Disease at 8 weeks, and a diagnosis of probably celiac disease at around the same time. I easily visited the bathroom 20 times a day, terrified at each visit that I would find blood. I added thyroid medication. I removed gluten. My first trimester I lost a total of 14lbs. I had a bedside ultrasound every 2 weeks to make sure both little ones were still there. Each time I was terrified that I would see the cardiac stillness on the ultrasound screen that will continue to haunt me for the rest of my life.

 Second trimester. New worries. Did they run all the right tests after our loss? Why wasn't my medical protocol the same as other babyloss mamas who got the same postmortem results? I switched endocrinologists. I switched rheumatologists. I was very close to switching MFMs and perinatologists. None of my requests for blood panels were granted - everyone keeps saying they are unnecessary. I requested Lovenox since I also found out I am heterozygous for the MTHFR gene mutation and I have positive anti-nuclear antibodies indicative of auto-immune issues. Denied. Put on a baby aspirin. Today I went to the new rheumatologist. I made the appointment in April, before I was even pregnant. Today was the first available slot. Rheumatologist looks at my medical records and says that my previous rheumatologist and OB/GYN did not run all the blood work that should have been run. She started naming other antibodies that I could be positive for (SSA and/or SSB) that can cause fetal heart blocks (which wouldn't show up on an autopsy). She says that I need continuous fetal cardiac monitoring, even before we get the results back. She took about a liter of blood from me. Also told me that the diagnostic criteria for lupus has changed in the past year and a half, so there are more tests that need to be run to rule that out. I went back to the MFM practice after the appointment. They tell me that doing continuous fetal cardiac monitoring is practically unheard of and not something that is feasible, especially with twins. I start crying. I am so frustrated. I am so tired of being told "no." He says that if the antibody tests do turn up positive, I will be sent to pediatric cardiology, however the 2 doctors in that practice cannot come to a common consensus on the proper protocol for treatment of fetal heart blocks - one is very proactive and wants weekly monitoring and the other feels that it is not necessary. There is no telling which doctor I would get. I have the pediatric ECHO ultrasound scheduled for this Wednesday.

 Other concerns - I haven't gotten back up to my baseline weight. With twins, you are supposed to gain at least 20lbs my 20 weeks to lessen the chances of preterm labor. One of the boys also has some fluid built up behind one kidney. Google that and you will read all kinds of stories of cystic kidneys and how it can lead to death. I am scared everyday. I have tried so hard not to become attached to these babies, knowing the heartache that could come crashing down on us again. I feel their kicks and it is so bittersweet. It's good to know that they are still there and alive; although I can never tell if I am feeling one or both of them. If I didn't have my home fetal Doppler, I feel quite sure I would be on the psychiatric unit by this time. It makes me remember Nicolai, sitting on the couch or laying in bed feeling him tumble around beneath my ribs, kicking at the sound of our voices. All those innocent moments that I took for granted, that I will never be able to get back again.

 Today the nurse told me about a woman she is seeing whose baby is not going to make it. The baby will pass away either shortly before or after being born. This woman has a four year old daughter who is very intuitive, and every morning at 4am the little girl crawls out of bed and goes to the bedroom to check on her mommy and the baby to make sure that they are okay. She does this without any prompting from anyone. The mom tells the little girl that the angels are watching over her and the baby, and each night the little girl will draw an angel and tape it to the headboard of the bed over her mommy. This is the angel that protects their family, and that is the only hope that they have.