2014

The same week in pregnancy that we lost Nicolai (33 weeks), I unexpectedly went into labor and delivered our twin rainbow boys via emergency C-section.  Upon arrival at the hospital, we were put into the same outpatient labor and delivery room that we were in when we learned that our sweet son no longer had a heartbeat.

Our twins were in the NICU for 34 days and finally came home on Christmas day.  They both have Nicolai as their middle name, and he will live on through them and through their big sister for all the days to come. They are now a little over 3 months old, and I cannot imagine my life without them.  It is such a bittersweet experience, this parenting after loss.  I have four children; and they should all be here with me on this earth. It pains me to know all the experiences we will never have as a family with our sweet Nicolai, and all the "firsts" that will never come for him.

My guilt over having the twins, and the immense amount of unconditional love I have for them already, is unbearably heavy some days.  I know that had Nicolai survived, we would not have the twins.  I would not have been so determined to get pregnant 6 months after his birth; and I would not have used fertility drugs to ensure not having to wait through excruciating months and months of negative pregnancy tests.  I cannot imagine my life without any of my children, yet here we are.  I know that I am blessed beyond imagination for the three healthy children I have with me; and I also know that a part of me will be forever broken by the devastating loss of our forever baby.  In my struggles to gain faith, it is so often unclear to me whether I am in God's favor or not.