The past week she has come up with a plethora of heart wrenching questions, usually asked during non-opportune times like while we are driving home from school, waiting in line at Walgreens, or on the playground. These are times when I absolutely cannot lose my composure, lest I drive off the road or make other parents question my sanity.
Some of the questions that have come out this week (note: my daughter always called the baby "Pi" - we don't really know why and she just called him that from the moment we told her about the pregnancy, and that is what she continues to call him.)
"Did it hurt Pi when he died?"
"Did Pi cry when he died?"
"Did Pi know that he was dying?"
"Why couldn't the doctors help Pi to not die? Hospitals are supposed to make you feel better and not die."
"Why didn't I get to see Pi - you and Daddy did, I really wanted to see what he looked like?"
"Did you bring flowers to Pi when he died to make him feel better?"
"What happened to Pi after he died?"
"Why can't God bring Pi back for just a little while so I can play with him?"
"Am I going to die too?"
"I want to be an angel right now so that I can play in the clouds with Pi"
The questions go on and on. They are heart-breaking. She asks me every day when the "baby fairy" is going to come and put another baby in my tummy. She got so used to me being pregnant, that now all she wants to do when she plays with her Barbies or plays doctor is to pretend that she is having a baby. It's so fucking sad, I can't deal with it.
Yesterday was my 6 week follow up appointment with my OB. The waiting room was miserable. I counted 2 newborn babies (one who was crying) and 5 pregnant women, one of whom bumped into me as I was leaving. I sat in the chair and plugged my ears with my fingers, closed my eyes, and rocked back and forth until the nurse called me back. I'm sure everyone thought that I was nuts. As predicted, no results back from the post mortem, although my OB did call the pathologist who said that the results would be back by the end of this week and that so far, on the preliminary report, she didn't see anything that stood out as a conclusive cause of death. I had 10 vials of blood drawn to check for various things in hopes that if something showed up in them, I could be treated for it so this wouldn't happen again.
And tomorrow was supposed to be my due date. Instead of having my baby, I will be more than likely reviewing his autopsy report.
