Hurry up and Wait.

We just had our appointment at the high risk doctor / perinatologist and I can't stop crying.

My OB had given us the go ahead to start trying to conceive again in January, but the perinatologist told us we needed to wait 6 months - 1 year minimum to minimize our chances of another loss.  I had an uncomplicated vaginal delivery and our son weighed 4lb. 14oz.  The perinatologist also said that now since I have had one stillborn child, the chances of me having another are between 2x and 10x the normal population, even though there isn't a known reason for his death.  She also said that even though I had such tight control over my diabetes, that just the fact that I am diabetic increases those odds and the odds for other problems (pre-eclampsia, pre-term labor, etc.).

The autopsy results still have not come back yet, but preliminary results are not showing that there was anything wrong with him or me, the placenta, or the cord. All my blood clotting results came back normal, and I did not have any exposure to CMV or parvovirus or other viruses that they tested for.  I did have a slightly elevated ANA titer (1:320) and will be seeing a rheumatologist.  I had the same elevated titer 2 years ago as well and saw a rheumatologist, but they didn't find any indication of autoimmune disease.   I had pre-existing diabetes (insulin dependent), but my A1C was perfect throughout my pregnancy - between 4.9 and 5.4, and they do not think that had anything to do with our loss. She also talked about switching the Cymbalta that I have been taking for 6+ years (through both my daughter's pregancy 5 years ago and my angel's pregnancy) and switching me to something like Zoloft that has more research behind it - just to minimize the risks of complications by another percentage point or two. 

I am just so sad, I had my heart set on us trying again in January and was thinking that since I took such excellent care of myself during pregnancy that my chances of having a recurrence were minimal.  I was just hoping for better news.   I feel so defeated.

 

Just Breathe.

Having lost my baby just 6 weeks ago, I now worry excessively and irrationally about my 4.5 year old daughter.  Every little sniffle, cough, tummy ache - and I'm terrified that she is going to die too.  It doesn't help that last night, as she was laying down relaxing in bed, she suddenly jumped up and started crying.  She told me that she thought her heart had stopped like the baby's did (because she was lying so still) and she needed me to check her heart and to make sure that she was still breathing.  She didn't want to die too.

The past week she has come up with a plethora of heart wrenching questions, usually asked during non-opportune times like while we are driving home from school, waiting in line at Walgreens, or on the playground.  These are times when I absolutely cannot lose my composure, lest I drive off the road or make other parents question my sanity.

Some of the questions that have come out this week (note:  my daughter always called the baby "Pi" - we don't really know why and she just called him that from the moment we told her about the pregnancy, and that is what she continues to call him.)

"Did it hurt Pi when he died?"
"Did Pi cry when he died?"
"Did Pi know that he was dying?"
"Why couldn't the doctors help Pi to not die? Hospitals are supposed to make you feel better and not die."
"Why didn't I get to see Pi - you and Daddy did, I really wanted to see what he looked like?"
"Did you bring flowers to Pi when he died to make him feel better?"
"What happened to Pi after he died?"
"Why can't God bring Pi back for just a little while so I can play with him?"
"Am I going to die too?"
"I want to be an angel right now so that I can play in the clouds with Pi"

The questions go on and on.  They are heart-breaking.  She asks me every day when the "baby fairy" is going to come and put another baby in my tummy.  She got so used to me being pregnant, that now all she wants to do when she plays with her Barbies or plays doctor is to pretend that she is having a baby.  It's so fucking sad, I can't deal with it.

Yesterday was my 6 week follow up appointment with my OB.  The waiting room was miserable.  I counted 2 newborn babies (one who was crying) and 5 pregnant women, one of whom bumped into me as I was leaving.  I sat in the chair and plugged my ears with my fingers, closed my eyes, and rocked back and forth until the nurse called me back.  I'm sure everyone thought that I was nuts.  As predicted, no results back from the post mortem, although my OB did call the pathologist who said that the results would be back by the end of this week and that so far, on the preliminary report, she didn't see anything that stood out as a conclusive cause of death.  I had 10 vials of blood drawn to check for various things in hopes that if something showed up in them, I could be treated for it so this wouldn't happen again.

And tomorrow was supposed to be my due date.  Instead of having my baby, I will be more than likely reviewing his autopsy report.