Capture Your Grief 2013 - Day 3: Myths

1.                   Myth #1:  It will never happen to me.

Stillbirth happens more often than people realize.  Pregnancy loss affects 1 in 4 women.  2^nd trimester losses are only 2% less likely than 1^st trimester losses – the risk doesn’t go away after 12 weeks.  Pregnancy loss after 20 weeks happens in 1 out of 150-200 pregnancies.  60% of the time, there is no reason found – cord accidents only account for 2-4% of fetal deaths.   Stillbirth doesn’t discriminate based on age – stillbirth still happens even if you are young, healthy, and have a low risk pregnancy.  Just because you have had successful pregnancies and children in the past doesn’t mean that you are immune. 

2.                    Myth #2:  You shouldn’t share your pictures of your baby because they make people                        uncomfortable.

These are the only pictures I will ever have of my child, and thus they are sacred to me.  I will never get to have milestone pictures of him growing up and doing all the things we had dreamed for him.  My baby is no less cherished than your baby who lived, and I refuse to act as such by not honoring his pictures.  I’m sorry if the most devastating event of my life makes you slightly uncomfortable, but this is my reality every single day.  The only way that awareness regarding stillbirth can be spread is to inform others about it through our stories, pictures, and experiences.  Had it not been such a taboo subject, and had I known how common it happens, perhaps I would have been more aware of the symptoms to watch out for and more diligent in doing kick counts, which could have potentially saved my son.  If one pregnant woman (or mother, grandmother, daughter, or spouse of a pregnant woman) sees our story and it causes them to Google stillbirth prevention so they are aware of the signs and risks and do something about it; it is worth it.   

3.                   Myth #3:  You’re pregnant with twins now – that is God’s way of making up for the                           baby you lost plus giving you another one.

My son will never be replaced.  There is no “making up” for my loss – you cannot replace one of your children with another.  Would you ever say this to a person who lost an older child?  And please don’t tell me that my son’s spirit has come back into a baby that I am currently carrying – my son is gone – implying that he died and is now back in my womb is just another way of trying to tell me that everything is back to normal. 

4.                   Myth #4:  Now that you’re pregnant, you can stop grieving and get on with your life.

I can see it in people’s faces every time they look at me and see that I am pregnant.  Relief washes over them, and I can hear them saying in their head “Finally, now we can start acting normal around her again – she will go back to being the way she used to be.”  I will never stop grieving over the loss of my son – NEVER.  Every little kick that I feel now in my womb is a reminder of my son and the only memories I have of him alive.  Pregnancy after loss doesn’t magically fix everything, like the rest of the world would like to believe.

5.                   Myth #5:  Lightning doesn’t strike twice

Statistically speaking, just the fact that you have had one late term pregnancy loss increases your odds of having another in a subsequent pregnancy by 2x-10x.  Clinical evidence shows this data applies even if there was no obvious cause of death, or even if it was a cord accident.  I will never feel safe in another pregnancy until I have the baby alive in my arms.