You were to be our firstborn son. Concieved in love one year after we were married, you were desperately wanted. From that moment on, you only knew unconditional love. You were never alone, never knew sadness, never knew heartache or fear. Your big sister would sing you lullabies every night before bed, softly rubbing my bellybutton until one of you fell asleep first. Your daddy loved to feel your strong kicks against his cheek when he would talk to you in the evenings. You loved our warm morning baths, and I would lay back and dream about the day that I would be holding you and playing with you in the water after you were born. I remember the day you died, my first nagging feeling that something was wrong was after our bath, because I hadn't felt your usual tumbling and rolling around.
When I found out that you were gone, my whole world crashed down around me. My body wanted to hold on to you, and it was nearly 24 hours after my labor was induced that you and I became two instead of one. I can remember the delivery room, so still and silent, the little plastic incubator/crib meant to hold newborns lay silent and dark in the corner. I knew from that moment that I was now a grieving mother, and I would be grieving for you every day until my last breath. It seemed like such an insurmountable task, lying there in labor, knowing that I would carry this all-consuming weight of grief over the loss of you forever; and I had yet to even see your tiny face.
My sweet child, your legacy will live on through your family. Your short life, your birth, and you death changed me forever. I will never be who I was before. Your big sister still talks about you everyday - she makes you presents and draws you pictures and leaves them at night for you to fly down from Heaven and look at. If your little brothers make it, they each will have your name as their middle name. I look for signs of you everywhere, and I write your name in beautiful places that I would have loved to have taken you. Your big sister always called you "Pi," and Pi you will remain in her heart forever. I love you, I miss you, and the world will never be the same without you.
No comments:
Post a Comment